History and applied history

Part 1 History revision (will be needed to complete Part 2)

For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed
version. 

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French foods are standard liberal fare.  Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. 

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a liberal (you know who you are) may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above; to defend their untenable position.

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals … just to piss them off.

Part 2 – Applied History

Indentify the “liberals” in this story. 10 marks

Deride the “liberals” in this story. 100 marks

Arrange a BBQ and honking big pool for the residents and then drunkenly mock the council rep who shows up while have the juice of barely warmed red meat running down your chin – 1,000,000,000 marks

Use a pen.

For nearly a quarter of a century, Lourdes Maxwell has celebrated the arrival of summer by putting a paddling pool in the garden.

This year, however, her two grandchildren and the children of her neighbours may have to find another way to cool off in the heat.

Miss Maxwell’s local council has decided that the pool – which is only 2ft deep – needs a lifeguard.

The 47-year-old divorced mother of three has also been told she must have insurance before she can inflate the toy outside her house in Portsmouth.

The health and safety edict came after she wrote to the city council asking for permission to put a bigger pool in the communal garden outside her home.

Not only was she told it was too dangerous, but the council told her to empty the existing pool.

After her MP intervened, the local authority softened its stance, saying Miss Maxwell could have a pool if she paid for insurance and ensured supervisors were on constant watch.

Residents near the communal gardens already have to obey a raft of rules governing their use.

They are even supposed to ask the council for permission before having a barbecue.

Miss Maxwell, who is a full-time carer to her son Aiden, said yesterday: “It is absolutely pathetic.

“I have had a paddling pool outside the front of my flat every summer for 24 years, ever since Aiden turned one year old.

“Neighbours’ children would come and enjoy the pool and I would give them ice lollies. It was always a very social occasion.”

She added: “Now suddenly I’m not allowed.

“I asked around for insurance and they just laughed at me. No one offers insurance for paddling pools.

“I’m always there to supervise but they’re trying to tell me I need lifeguards for a kiddies’ pool as well – it’s crazy.”

Nigel Selley, Portsmouth Council’s neighbourhood manager, defended the ruling yesterday.

He said: “We did not have sufficient assurances that the risks associated with providing such a facility would be well-managed.

“We have since spoken to Ms Maxwell and she is aware of our concerns for child safety and the risks associated with drowning.”

Steven Wylie, the councillor in charge of housing, added: “I want to encourage people to enjoy the communal gardens.

“We want to help where we can to ensure that it is a fun and safe place for everyone to use.”

Both sent to me Alisa.

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