You may have been in the army too long if…

You use target indication to point out hot chicks…
Becuase its the quickest way to scan onto a target.

You use the term ‘chicks’
Correct target identifcation is important and you wouldn’t what to get this one wrong would you?

You insist on dancing like a —-, whilst your civie mates insist on trying to dance ‘properly’.
I have no clear recolection of any such event sir.

Your civie mates don’t understand any of the terminology you use such as ‘no dramas’, ‘squared away’, ‘take a knee’ etc….
What the hell is a “civie mate”?

You can’t help saying “Roger”, “Say again” and other snappy bits of VP
You have a problem with clear communication now?

You use acronyms thinking your civie mates will understand what you are talking about.
Diligaf! also see above.

You don’t have any civie mates….
See above.

You cringe, and mutter under your breath ‘haircut’, when you see men with `long” hair.
I do NOT mutter, hippies need to be shouted at to get their attention.

You walk at a ridiculous pace and are physically incapable of walking at the shopping pace of your girlfriend.
Are we going somewhere or not?

You refer to personal organisation as “admin”.
You have a real issue with clear comms don’t you.

Your girlfriend is stored in your mobile phone address book as ‘Zero Alpha’
Well she did outrank me.

You use patrol hand signals in a night club if people can’t hear you.
OK admit it you actually hate the ability of others to communicate don’t you.

You always use the 24 hour clock.
And you can’t stand accurate commincation either.

You keep trying to box your duvet.
You hate tidy now?

You iron your socks & underpants.
Sweet Enola Gay son son… are you a HIPPIE or something?

Everything in your locker (wardrobe) is folded, ironed, & stacked 9 x 9.
And look everything is IN the locker.

You bull your Reeboks.
Reeboks are for civie sissies.

You have sewn-in creases in your boxer shorts.
And now efficiency is on your shit list????

Nothing soldiers do shocks you any more.
Well thats because I probably showed them how to do it.

You can’t watch war movies without giving a running commentary.
Well if anyone could make a war movie RIGHT we wouldn’t need to!

People in prison have more contact with women than you do….
They get a bigger food budget too.

Whenever you spell something out you use the phonetic alphabet….
You just can’t let the communication thig go can you.

You don’t trust your mum/wife/girlfriend/any woman to iron your kit because deep down you think that your ironing is better….
Nothing deep down about it.. STEP AWAY from the green uniform woman.

You point using your whole hand in a karate chop motion….
It’s rude to point.

You find that the conversation somehow always comes back round to you, because you’re more interesting than most topics of conversation….
It could be related to my ability to communicate in a clear and accurate fashion.

You think not shaving is a treat….
One that I have indulged in for some years now.

You keep a mess tin of water in the fridge for washing & shaving on dark mornings…..
See above.

You get really irritated when people you don’t know call you ‘mate’….
Damn right I do.

You can read a junk mail catalogue from cover to cover and refer to everything that is useful as a Gucci bit of kit.
It’s called being well informed.

You refer to smoke as ‘a double edged sword’.
Yes and?

You spend hours wondering where in civie street you can get an equal disposable income and at least 6 weeks holiday a year, by completing an inversely proportionally tiny amount of tangible work.
thinking probably journalism or poltics, you can save time by not having to worry about facts.

Your blood boils when you see civies wearing DPM.
It’s usually a hippie at a protest and they’re calling better people baby killers… and we get pissed off you say… gosh.

Going out on Thursday “international army night out” wherever it may be, or whichever course one is on, involves forming the ring-of-steel, talking about ourselves and the army and aggressively staring at girls; who if they don’t immediately come over are obviously lesbians.
They’re EVERYWHERE now.

Should any man dare break this ritual, and despite talking to the prettiest of girls – as we would like to do, if it weren’t for the fact we tend to chew our own tongues and dribble – he is clearly gay!

You come out in a cold sweat if you find yourself still working after lunch on a Friday….
Now you’re using four letter words.

You have to stop work at 10am for NAAFI break or else you might not make it to lunch….
Menawhile about the same time 90% of the rest of the world is STARTING work.

At least half of your DVD collection are war movies….
What do you mean “at least”?

Even though your disposable income is twice that of a civie you still manage to spend it all, every month, with nothing to show for it, about a week after you’ve told all your soldiers that you ‘can’t believe how much money they waste on the ****’….
You think this beer gut was free?

The sight of rolling countryside makes you scan for ‘enemy depth’….
You only need to be prepared once for it to pay off.

You think that eating every meal for a week with the same spoon that you licked clean and kept in the pocket of the same shirt you’ve worn all week is perfectly normal….
Don’t be disgusting, I wiped it off on my sweat rag as well.

All of your food has to be prepared by a chef because you’re incapable of cooking anything that can’t either be boiled in a bag or eaten cold….
Don’t be silly, anything can be fried with onions.

You lie when people ask you what you do for a living…..
Need to know.

When leaving your phone number on a voice message you can’t just give it once, has to be repeated.
And how many times have you had to replay messages because you dind’t hear it the first time?

When surveying open ground (when not looking for enemy in depth) you think, good tank country. If a forestry block – I could get a platoon in here.
Once, it only needs to pay off once.

You survey open ground.
You’re like a dog with a bone aren’t you. ONCE.

When you are pointing out some natural feature you begin with “Reference bushy topped tree etc etc”
And now we’re back to clear communication again. See what drugs does to your brain.

Your girlfriend has started saying “admin” and gave you the “Chop” when telling you to put the bin out.
Clear communication works so well its catching.

When meeting mates in a pub you always turn up 5 minutes early and are secretly angry that nobody else has.
So rude.

Worse still, if it’s a venue you haven’t been to before, you turn up 15 minutes early to put in a CTR, in order that you are definitely there 5 minutes early!!!
And I can’t tell you how many times I HAVEN’T been late for an appointment.


5 Responses to You may have been in the army too long if…

  1. Allan says:

    Oh shit, it’s been nearly 16 years and I still do most of this stuff. Nothing wrong with clear communications and being a bit organised.

  2. Murray says:

    Thats all I’m saying Allan.

  3. George says:

    If there is one habit that has stuck, it’s the phrase “Do I make myself clear?”

  4. Murray says:

    I like “did it seem like I was asking you a question?”.

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